Please forgive my dumbass

Jennifer,

Why do I say what I say and do what I do?
Did I say or do something wrong to you?
When we met, we started out as friends;
I feel scared that I'm bringing that to an end.
I promised myself that I'd never do it again;
Maybe this is why I can't keep friends.
Whenever I meet a girl, I always do this shit;
I fucking can't stand myself for doing it.
No mater where I go or what I say;
Nothing good seems to come my way.
I have no reason for being here
But I try to drown my pain with a deadly beer.
They say people come and go;
Forever lonely I will be, this I know.
Every girl I meet always has a guy
And at that point I say to myself, "I give up. I'm not going to try.
Happiness and love are meaningless words to me;
People keep telling me that'll all change, we shall see.


I'm sprry for my behavior since Thursday night after we came to your house. I know I'm thinking too much into things and like I said to you that night, I need to quit. Last night at Tarheels I couldn't take thursday night off my mind, no matter how hard I tried. Like I told you in the text i sent you, I literally broke down and cried due to the fact that I felt I fucked it up. Friends we can still be it's just that I have to get that into my thick ass head. I can work on it, I promise. It might be like taking off a turtleneck sweater; It might take a good minute but I'll get it eventually.

Joe

Another hilarious fight with the bitch (jenny)

Heres a beautiful conversation I had me this bitch earlier tonight, enjoy

 

jenny and ethan is online 07/26/2008 10:58 PM:

(everything bold is me, underlined is her)

hey, what do you know ur still on my chat thing, i never get on here anymore so u cant use that against me, and u havent deleted me or blocked me or anything

no your right i am acting mature about this whole thing

really?

so hows ur life?

okay

hows yours

what is this madness? u mean ur actually talking to me?

yea

and your point is???

i dont see y u would seeing as what i did, even though im for the most part but still

okay slow down and make since

i said, know what i did (the truthful blog) and the myspace fights, u still wanna talk to me?

i didnt think u would, im shokced

this is not what i had in mind really

your guy

lol i kno

that's why i am doing it lol j/k

well idc really, u should read the last message i sent oyu

you*

did u even see the pic? ha ha

No i am just so busy with school and ethan the new baby and oh john

u make it sound as if i should ask who he is, i dont care

i know i don't expect you too

its not my fault u dont know how to take advice

much less listen

i am just as stubborn as you so what did you expect from me

like i said, i wasnt trying to tell u how to live ur life, only trying to point u in the right direction but no, u make idiotic chouces and u see where that got you, another kid and some guy who is prolly an asshole anyways, maybe worse than chris, just maybe and i may be stubborn but not a dumbass

Okay john is not a bad guy and for your information you do need to get over this jealousy of yours

what makes u think im jealous?

"ok, what u gonna do about it? cry? now ur jus usin my words cuz u cant make up ur own" is that all you got

im not jealous, i dont care i just like fuckin with you

i kno you

u fucked with me, my turn

and how far is this really going to get you

doesnt matter........maybe ull stop and see that everything u do is gonna bite u in the ass cuz im always ight, sooner or later u know this

okay

all im saying is that i tried to help you and u fucked it up, not my fault i dont spread my legs for someone just cuz they try to come back in my life i mean, did chris even tip?

okay for starters i am not the one who ALWAYS talked about other girls while i was on base where you fucking them when you were dating me or were you just gigaloo

no no no wrong guy

not me

i wasnt fuckin anyone when we were dating, jus so u know

well you kno i don't kno but look i really don't have time for this. This is so childish

are you happy now you manipulated me and called me all those ugly names

do you feel big about your self

i hope so

since u wanted to bring up the fact that i was sleepin around on you, y dont u ask jimmy then he'll tell u that i actually stayed commited to you the entire time

i have my reasons to belittle you as i have been

i don't care right now you have a bigger ego about name calling and everything else

its what i do for a living

is your pay worth it

just go in a corner and cry urself to sleep, as a favor to us all

nah i am better off smiling

ok then, that makes 2 of us ur smile will eventualy turn into a frown, even if its inside ur head

u cant hide it, so dont even try

it's not in my head it's on my face

 

wtf ever, smae thing

ur and ur pasted on smile, so fuckin fake just like ur entire life

yeah that's what i made you think

lol

i dont know y ur even trying to defend urself, ur gonna lose in the end just face it

i always win i may not end up married or have kid cuz im a whore but thats ok, ill live a happier life than u ever will

sure

bye

that took a while, were u letting someone read it too to try to back you up?

no you'll see soon

o im so scared, u cant do shit to me?

whatever if that's what you think

its not what i think, i know

some marine

cheap whore

well you dated this cheap whore

sad mistake on my part

and you still didn't make it in these pants

no room

right you say that now but then you couldn't wait you were like a kid in a candy shop

turns out willy wonka was a child molester, so i got out of dodge

okay if you say so still smiling incase your wondering

ya right

i am and i have witnesses

omg, im scared now oooo whats gonna happen to me? not a goddamn thing

you know you are just ass basturd

and as far as good goes he walks on water

wow, u suck ass at making threats and keeping promises, u know?

jus stop while ur ahead, ur embarrasing urself and im laughin my ass off at you

i never made a promise to you

lmfao

you are just cheap

u never tupped

tipped*

still trying to use my words against me huh?

i never wanted in your pants so why should i have?

it is kind of hard to tip something ugly as home made soap

you don't see me getting up in amirror and taking pictures of my fucking bdy

if i were id be doint it for jenny craig

lmfao

she ain't fat faggit

you just think you are tough because you are in the marines and hiding behinde a fucking computer basturd

bull shit, let me see ur bitch ass face to face well see what happens then

well see

u better hope to go u dont get a fuckin black eye

it want be jenny asshole

u make no sense sometime

u want be what?

it want be jenny you hit you fucking niggar

or may i say a niggar want abe?

ur too white for that shit, speak english plz

that is right i am white unlike you want to be

hell at less she as meat on her body

and you don't

you damn four eye fucker

this jon?

don't worry about who this is this is your worse fucking nightmare whore

ur a fuckin nightmare whore? ur pretty cheap to be doin that, arent you?

lmmfao you are so childish GROW THE FUCK UP

workin on it

NAH YOU

on eyear at a time

YOU WAS THE ONE WHO PMED HER

i know

no shit dumbass

NOT HER PMING YOU YOU DAMN STANK

jenny and ethan logged off at 07/26/2008 11:41 PM

A MySpace fight with Jenny

Not too long after jenny and I had split up and I found out she went back with that fucking asshole of a person she calls her fucking boyfriend, we had a fight on MySpace, here's the full message:

 

 

it's whatever, idc anymore whats done is done u do whatever it is u wanna do......i want no part of it due to the fact that im cut out of ur life doesnt matter to me one bit

good riddance

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ..I_LOVE_CHRIS_TURNER..
Date: Jul 13, 2008 11:01 AM


you know your right it it's my fault but you know as a person i don't deserve for anybody to tell me how to live my life.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ..creative_silence..
Date: Jul 12, 2008 10:54 PM


u know what? i am happy cuz u fucked ur life up cuz u didnt listen to a goddamn work i fuckin said. i could have made you "the happiest girl ever" had u not left me. and for the fuckin record i was thinkin bout moving you out here with me regardless of us dating or not. may we could have eventualy gotten married and raised ethan by ourselves and have a happy family, but no.....u gotta go do some fuckin stupid shit i told you was gonna fucking happen so dont fuckin complain to me cuz u knew i was right and too chicken shit to face it......u see where that got you. i bet hands down that 8 months from now the same shit will happen btw u 2 again and if it does u better not be fuckin stupid and end up fuckin somone else over like u did me. i was gonna try to take you back and i jus so happened to look on ur myspace to see that ur fuckin retarded ass lives with a peice of shit u say u cant live without.......I WAS THE GUY U COULDNT LIVE WITHOUT JENNY!!!! OPEN UR FUCKIN GODDAMN EYES AND SEE WHERE U FUCKED UP!!! IM NOT TAKIN YOU BACK NO MATTER WHAT FUCKIN PROBLEMS YOU GO THROUGH!!! FIND SOME OTHER INNOCENT, TRUE GEMTLEMAN TO FUCK OVER CUZ IM DONE WITH YOU!!! its ur stupidity and downright bull shit lies that got u where u r today and also caused you to lose a very vital part of your life!!


FUCK YOU AND GOOD FUCKIN DAY BITCH!!!
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ..I_LOVE_CHRIS_TURNER..
Date: Jul 12, 2008 9:38 PM


i already know that karma is a bitch i have been down that road several times and i don't like it but you know i do have a family and face the fact that you wouldn't be around for us even if you could. I am pregnant again and you know i don't know what to do or say because of karma right now. So i hope your happy

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ..creative_silence..
Date: Jul 12, 2008 6:46 PM


"...I love and I forgave him on everything he ever did and I waited 8 months for him. I didn't have to but i did because it was only him and there could never be a somebody else. I love chris with all my heart,mind,body and soul."

Let's break this down, shall we?

"I didn't have to but...there could never be a somebody else."


With that being said, FUCK YOU AND UR BULL LOVE BULL SHIT!! UR FUCKIN DEAD TO ME AND I NEVER WANNA HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU EVER A-FUCKIN-GAIN!!! U EVEN TOLD ME THAT U WOULD NEVER I WAS THE LAST PERSON U WANTED TO HURT AND THAT I MADE OYU THE HAPPIEST GIRL EVER. U SEE HOW WELL THAT FUCKIN SHIT WORKS!!! U HAVE NO IDEA HOW FURIOUS AND OUTRAGED I AM AT YOU RIGHT NOW AND U BETTER BE FUCKIN HAPPY THAT UR A GODDAMN GIRL, OTHERWISE YOUD BE IN THE FUCKIN GODDAMN HOSPITAL!! I WILL NEVER STRIKE A WOMAN EVER FOR ANY REASON BUT WHAT U PUT ON UR PROFILE PUSHED ME OVER THE EDGE. DONT EVER TALK TO ME AGAIN!!! WHEN I COME HOME NEXT TIME U BETTER NOT FUCKIN BE AROUND. TELL UR PEICE OF SHIT BOYFRIEND IF U WILL. ILL TAKE A BEATING FOR BEING RIGHT.
........ JUST REMEMBER THIS THOUGH, KARMA IS A FUCKIN BITCH!!!

My opinion on females in the now

Someone please tell why girls these days are turning into whores and 2 timing tramps? I mean seriously, come the fuck on people!!! Why is it you women bitch and fucking complain about there not being a nice guy left in the world for them to have and spend their life with?!? THAT'S A BUNCH OF FUCKING BULL SHIT!!! All you women are always complaining about the guys they're with saying how much of an asshole of a boyfriend they have but they can't let them go due to the fact that they "love him". If you would stop PMSing for one goddamn second and take a look around you, you will see the "good guys" here in the world. I, myself, am one of those guys. I will admit I have fucked one girl over, and yes only one, her name is Carmen Thompson. She was the only girl that liked me for me and not for my money, or the fact that I was just another horny mother fucker she could have around just for sex. We dated for about a month and a half and I fucked that all up. My feelings for her faded over time and I had it in my mind that we should be friends, something I told myself I would never do in a relationship because I've had that happened I don't know how many times. Thing is, is that even after we broke up she continued to be my friend, which is hard for some people and I know. I'm always the one getting fucked over. I'm always the one getting my heart broken in the end, whether I know it then or after the fact. The last few girlfriends I had, excluding her, did that to me and here's how:

1. Nicole – not to long after Carmen and I split up my friend Rachael introduced me to her best friend, Nicole. We started talking that night when I came over to the house. A few hours into the conversation my friend kept fucking with me about the whole thing; asking me if I liked her or not. I was beginning to but I remembered I had a girlfriend, Carmen. I didn't want to do anything stupid that I was going to regret later, but like an idiot, I did. I hate to say it America but I cheated on Carmen with Nicole, which I mentioned earlier in my blog. Just like with Carmen, we met then hooked up 2-3 days later, "dated" for about a 1 ½ months then ended it. This time when I broke up with Nicole we never talked much after that. 2 months later, my friends, Charity and Amber, invited me and my other friend, Brandon, out to dance at Hooligan's (Irish pub/pool & music hall). Now, I'm not much into the whole dancing thing so I just stand by and watch. Time goes by and Brandon and I still can't find them; we looked everywhere, which it was a small room so that doesn't say much, and still nothing. I'm looking in the back by the stage and low and behold I see Nicole, Rachael and their new boyfriends. At this point I'm n a bit of shock but not really (confusing, I know). Although it didn't surprise me to see her with another guy about a month after be broke but my guess is that she had him the whole time, even when we dated but hey, shit happens. I texted them saying if they wanted to talk to me, I'll be by the bar. I saw Nicole check her phone then set it down, so I texted her again, saying the same thing again, that if they wanted to talk they can come talk to me. After they continued to avoid me I went to play a few games of pool with some people there. We played teams for a couple of games and on one of them, the last 3 balls on the table were, and kid you not, the "6", "13" and the "8" ball; my 20^th birthday this year. I knew then I was going to have a kickass birthday that day, not to mention it was on a Friday (lucky me right?). Anyhooters, sorry I mean, anyways, I saw them come to the bar to get a few drinks, I called them over a couple times and they finally heard me. They came running around the corner so damn fast I saw them just before I took my shot in the game and then they were standing there right before I hit the shot. Rachael tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if I can't say hi. I stood up, looked her in the eye with a kool 100 half gone sticking straight out of my mouth, took a drag and said, hey (while blowing smoke). Nicole is looking all over the place trying not to look at me (can't say I blame her) and Rachael said, "you can't say hey to your ex lover?" That set me of a little bit but I gave Nicole a hug, said hey and then watched the ladies literally bounce away back to the dance floor. The reason I'm pissed off at Nicole is the fact that she was sleeping around on me the entire time were together. Chris, a guy I met thought them one night, starting talking shit saying I was sleeping around on Nicole with my friend Britt, which between us will never happen no matter how drunk we get around each other, who was also his ex. They split up and here's the story on that (so damn fucking funny): me and my best friend, Jimmy, went to chill out at her house one night. Chris was there playing darts and was teaching Jimmy how to play. Britt took one of them off and "playfully threw one at Chris' feet. He thought it would be funny to get her back. This mother fucker takes a dart off the wall and throws one…………..AT HER FACE, HER FUCKING FACE PEOPLE!!! She came out of the bathroom bleeding a little bit from her cheek and started to beat the fuck out him, not to mention she had 9 beers before this shit went down, so that says a lot for her. After Chris left I asked Jimmy if he was still interested in her. He looks at me, smiles and says "Hell yeah! She's a feisty one." So Jimmy and Britt hooked up but back to the story. That's how that fucking rumor got started. Apparently I did something to Chris to piss him the fuck off and shit was said. I contradicted the retarded rumor and brought up that I'd never cheat on a girl (which I already have at this point) and I have no reason. I was into Nicole too much and vice versa (or so I thought) to there was no reason to do that shit. After Nicole and I split up, I went back home to Texas for a couple of weeks.

2. Megan Sumner – this bitch was one my little brother hooked me up with, BIG mistake on my part. He even warned me about her but like an idiot, I went for her. When I got home, I went to the school to visit some of my old teachers the next day. My mom called me and asked me if I could check my brother out of school for some appointment shit. It was during lunch when I got there and watched as the high school kids, and yes I say kids, were staring at me. I didn't recognize one of them but before I got to the front doors of the school, my brother called me over. One of the teachers recognized me and we talked for a bit. I walked inside, signed him out of class and we walked around the school for the rest of the day. When I got to my old drama class, she was there. She was staring at me most of the time and when class was over she gave me what she thought was her new number. I think it was a couple of nights later, maybe that weekend my cousins and I went to her work to grab a bite to eat. I saw her there and she was excited, I guess, to see me. I know fake when I see it but I fell for it so I can't cay much. I gave her my number before we left for the night; my cousin, brother and I went to Wal-mart to get paintball stuff. Hells yeah. The next day, on Saturday, she called me, or I called her, I don't remember but Megan and I talked on the phone for a minute while my brother and I were having batting practice for softball. She was invited over and when she came to the house I was wearing nothing but shorts and running shoes, with tons of sweat. I guess she liked it or seeing me half naked because she kept smiling at me. We went on a date when "Iron Man" came out somewhere round the weekend timeframe and I asked her to be my girlfriend the night before. The whole first week wasn't bad, but then the fucking weekend came and I didn't like that one fucking bit. She was at her aunts' house on that Friday and I asked her if we could hang out, not to mention I hadn't seen her in the past 3 days. She said she'd have to ask her aunt, and then told me she had to stay there. No big deal but the next, same thing; her aunt said no but when I went to my buddies house, who lives relatively close to her, I seen a red car parked in her driveway. I thought to myself, "I know that fucking car." Turns out, I know the guy who owns it and I remember my teacher saying to me one day that she was sitting in a red car smoking. That day she told me she was going to get a ride home from a guy named Tyler Bentley; owner of the red car. I put 2 and 2 together and I was right. Thing is, she claims him to be her stalker. Now, who in the right fucking mind invites a stalker to their house to hang out? Only a fucking sadistic lying bitch ass cunt like Megan. All in all, she was avoiding me and tried to play it off. I may not the sharpest tool in the shed but I can sense when I'm getting fucked with; happens all the time so I'm used to it. On Monday night, I went to the mall to run with the guys from my recruiting office. When we got back I was walking around for a minute when I passed the theater. Megan's best friend was working and I asked her how I could tell if she was avoiding me. She told me that "she just stops talking to you. That's basically it." I asked her if she could tell that bitch hi if she ever sees her. She said "okay" and I went home a short time after. 3 days later, on Thursday night, I called her and left her a 3 minute nasty message telling her that if she's avoiding me for some reason, I need to know and if for no reason then her mother fucking bitch ass, piece of shit fucking, nickel and dime making whore she is can forget about me because I was not putting up with that shit at fucking all. I even mentioned it to my brother and he laughed his ass off. Frankly, so did I, and so did my sister, her boyfriend, my cousins and a few of my friends. Sometime later, I ran into Jenny.

3. Jenny Cain – a girl I knew for 14 years left me for her baby's daddy. About a week after the "Megan" incident, the last 3 days I was home I ran into her at a local store. She was shopping with her little baby boy, Ethan. We talked about how long it has been since we last seen and talked to each other. Before I left, we swapped numbers and she invited me over to a friend's house later that night. After I got there we talked for a long while about how we spent our lives after high school. I met her friends and we talked for hours and hours about everything we could think of. Not to mention we had a jam session between me and the guys but that's beside the point. Young Ethan was staring at me the whole time studying me; I was new to him. She asked me to watch him for a minute as she was getting his things together for going home. I said it was no problem and started to talk to him as a grown man and pretended he knew what I was saying. I did the whole airplane maneuver with him flying him around the room. Man I got to tell you he was enjoying every minute of it. Jenny came running to the door because she heard him making noise and thought something was wrong; reacting like a mother would. She found out he was laughing instead of screaming. Standing in shock of what she saw, I heard her stop in the doorway to look at us having fun. When I asked her what was wrong she said she never seen him laugh in such a way that signified he was having fun. I was in a good mood for the remainder of the night. Coincidently, earlier that night she was telling me that I have been looking in the wrong places for the "right girl" to come along and that I should just wait. I explained to her my philosophy on relationships and she actually understood it. We went to the store, just her and me, and we somehow managed to bring up our past as crushing on each other in middle school. That right there laid out the foundation for us getting together flat on the table. As time went on she continued to invite me over and we talked a little more about "us", confused if it would happen. The last night I was at home she came to visit me during my final hours of my leave. Something I failed to mention earlier in my little "soapbox" was that she continuously was bitching and complaining about her baby's daddy, Chris Turner. I asked her why she kept venting to me about his dumbass and she said I was the only one who would understand much less listen. From what I understood he knocked her up and gave 2 shits about her and the baby. Mind you this kid had no daddy in his life to look have around much less a father. In her words she said "any man can come in and be a daddy but it takes a real man to be a father." For a minute I thought I could step up to the plate and be the father figure young Ethan was missing. After I came back to work we talked almost every night for about a week straight and were mad at me when I didn't call her, but she would pick on about it though. She put her son on the phone a few times and he got surprised when he got to talk to me; it got to the point where he started calling me "da da." After hearing those words come out an 11^th month old child my heart dropped to the ground and began to race hundreds even thousands of miles an hour. I was so happy and so was she because of that Jenny and I thought we could make this work. During on phone conversation she asked me how I felt about a long distance relationship, something I tried so long to stay away from. The fact of the matter was that we were so into each other that we gave it a shot. Trust was not a problem for us due to that we have been through so much heartbreak and such neither of us would dare to do it to one another; or so I thought. My 20^th birthday was slowly creeping around the corner and Chris had tried to come back in her life. I told her that he was only doing that since he has no one in his life. His girlfriend left him and he was "lonely", fucking crybaby if you ask me. Soon after the fact, sure enough, she left me to go back with him. The night of my birthday she calls me saying that he cheated on her with his ex. I told her I would rub it in her face, and I should have, that I was right and told her that was going to happen but that's her fault. See, I only knew only as much about this guy as she told me; I knew this was coming. I'm no psychiatrist but I think I should be for the simple fact I'm learning to read people. About a week or so later I called her to see how she was holding up. She told me that she was torn between 2 guys and asked me to help her decide which one she should date. Trying to use reverse psychology on me, something of which I'm a master at, she sugarcoated the whole ordeal. I knew one of them was me and accurately guessed the other one was him. The needle of her choosing was leaning towards me, which was a plus for me, and I think she was going to reconsider taking me back after what she did to me. I was willing to go back and I made that crystal clear to her about that to. I was "the last person" she ever wanted to hurt; you see how well that works. Still upset about what happened I tried taking another stab at making the relationship work again; that was thrown back in my face and she dropped me like a bad habit. Granted I could do nothing seeing as how I live here in North Carolina and she's back home in Texas but I'd be goddamned if I wasn't going to try to make it happen again. I brought up the fact that we could get married so she could move up here and that we would consider it just dating until we decided to get married for the real deal. With that thought processing in the back of her mind I talked to her mother about it and she was all for it. I've been a friend of the family just as long as I've known her and not only did they see me as a good person to be around I'm in the military (major plus on my part). I was already talking to my friends here about it and they said it was a good idea and that if it was what I wanted I should go for it. I was ready until she took him back. I checked her MySpace a few days ago just out of boredom and saw she lives with him. I was so fucking pissed off that I left her some hate mail, which she replied and admitted I was right but she said in her bio that "there could never be a somebody else." Oh my fucking god you bet your ass I was ready for lashing out my opinion and harsh ass thoughts on the subject to her. We had a MySpace fight that night and she ended by saying she don't need someone telling her how to live her life. I hate to say it but I agreed with her on that part and never talked to her since, I have no reason to. If her life gets fucked up for her choice then that's on her, I tried helping the dumb bitch out but no, she doesn't listen.

I know you're reading this thinking I'm a dick and heartless fucker for saying all this but I felt I have to vent to someone, you know? I mean shit, that's probably the worst I've had happen to me and I know it could be worse but that's the level of pain I hope not to pass again. Any questions, bitched, moans, or complaints send them to me through:

MySpace - www.myspace.com/silentboy4
cell - 910-546-2922 (AT&T)
email - silent_boy4@yahoo.com
ims:
yahoo - silent_boy4
msn - silentboy18@hotmail

I was listening to "Sooner or Later – Breaking Benjamin" when I wrote this, funny huh? I think might make a video blog about this stuff, maybe just on my everyday life. Kind of like a video diary, I guess. I don't know yet, we'll see. You got my contact info so hit me up with your responses.

 

Joe